Category: Parent Talk
I wnat to have a baby and everyone is so against me having one because i don't want to have a relationship with the father! I just need a sperm donor! Now don't get me wrong, if the father wants to be apart of the child's life, i'm not going to deny him that right, but if he doesn't that's fine i just want any type of relationship with him unless it's a friendship for the sake of our child. Am i wrong for thinking this way?
Internet troll???
If in fact you are serious and not just trolling for internet attention:
At 3 in the morning when the child won't sleep, has cholic, persists in having nightmares, you'll be resentful you don't have a man to take a shift at being up with the baby. And that's just where it starts.
It's better to have a stable relationship and then have a child, because it's a grate responsability to raise a kid alone, more so than if you have the propper support. Also, it's healthier for the child to have stable parents who are both an active part of there lives. I don't understand why you just want to be a mother, without having a man in your life to help. Some people do it, but, it's a rough road. Your path is yours to choose, but I am a single mother and it's real hard. So, consider what the child might feel when he or she is older, and what the second party would feel, knowing that you just want one thing, and that's to get knocked up. Sorry, but I tell it how it is! You would probably be getting in way over your head.
I'm sorry but hey the child could never do anything to make me resent the fact that i don't have a man! Also, a child could be in an unstable home with two parents as well. I'm ready to face the ups and downs of being a single mother. My child can see its father if he/or/she wants to or if the father wants to help take care of the child that's cool too, but i'm just flat out sick of being involved with men! Just give me my kid and go back to doing you! I'm better off being alone!
For argument's sake, why do you have to "have" a baby, and bring another life into this world? Why not adopt a child who already doesn't have a father, and has no mother as well?
Sounds like you need to sort out some of your own issues. Having a baby will not complete you. It won't take away that empty, the world is against mne and I don't like it, feeling. Yes, a baby will love you because you're you, but trust me, it won't be enough. Be happy with yourself and your environment. Then think about having a child. Yes, a baby can live in an unstable home with two parents, but the likelihood of instability increases with only one. How, for instance, will you work? Who will look after the child, and will they be happy being left with a babysitter instead of a parent? When you do come home, how will you rest for the next day when the child is awake, sick, crying or just generally wanting attention? Having a baby is no quick fix, nor is it something you can have just because you want it. It's a human life we're talking about, not a cute little puppy who is yours just because you can have it.
FM
I don't understand the appeal of babies for wannabe parents. I'm odd, hey I never said I wasn't but here goes: I have a four year old daughter and I have always been with her father. Babyhood is a stage that doesn't last very long, and until the little buggers can talk, figuring out why they are crying is like playing sharades with another human being for at least the next two years, if not three.
Even with preschool, preschool programs cost money and I don't want to scam off the state's voucher program. I am lucky we split up the shifts, but an unwed mother will have to pay for get a voucher for full time daycare for her baby from infancy, and some states, like MA, are offering less vouchers than they once were. Who will you communicate or even vent with when parenting a very young child gets frustrating, which it can? I love this little one to tears, but this age group involves a bit of whining, plus it is not always easy to find babysitters. I just had to reschedule a mammogram as I couldn't find a sitter.
Why not foster parent to see how that goes, and they're usually older children. If things go well, why not try to adopt an older child who might otherwise be difficult to place? Speaking from experience, babies aren't always little Gerber babies that give you Kodak moments and hands on parenting for the very young is a lot of work, plus any daycare charges more money the younger the child. I fail to see also why men are considered so disposable these days, why they're considered so unneeded as husbands and hands on fathers, but that's another subject.
I'm not a parent, but I agree with what others have said here. I suggest you consider such things before doing something so serious as having a child. also, think about how the father of him or her would feel when you tell them you just want them so they can get you pregnant. not a very nice thing, in my opinion.
I concur with Dr. Laura, I mean Spongebob on here.
Further and you all can shoot me for this if you want but it's true: the baby won't love you, not right away, it will depend upon you. Big big huge ginormous difference. The baby will only consider him or her self. The baby doesn't know you have a splitting headache, and if the baby has one, he or she doesn't even really know what that all is. All he or she knows is it hurts, and will someone make it stop? Human babies are extremely altricial, I think the word is, meaning they come out completely and totally dependent. Not blind and deaf, but totally dependent. To have a little baby takes courage and stamina. Once in a very great while you get cute moments, but either the baby is sleeping, eating, pooping or crying for the first several months.
Then you'll move into the phase where he or she begins to uncurl the arms and legs - stop being in the fetal position so much, and explore just a bit. You never knew there were so many loose parts to anything in your house once baby begins to scoot, let alone crawl. And the baby has absolutely no sense of danger or safety not even very good depth perception. Before you know it you'll be starting to tell the baby "No!" to keep fingers away from cords, all sorts of things.
Until I read your post, I thought your line of thinking was exaggerated fiction. Apparently, I thought wrong.
I believe the author of the preschoolers' 'Pigeon' series is named Moe Willems. One of the pigeon books is 'The Pigeon Wants a Puppy'. The pigeon is all heart warmed about the possibility of a cute, cuddly, soft puppy to call his very own, until faced with a big pawed, slobbery dog, and then he's changed his mind and decided he wants a rhinoceros. I thought the first time I read this to Mimi "It's sad, but I think that's how some grown people see babies". Once they face the reality of 100000000000 hits and misses before the toddler is potty trained, the preschooler screaming bloody murder when all you're trying to do is rinse her hair in the tub, the school aged and teenage child clamoring for ever more independence, they wonder why they ever wanted the baby, and these are married people in stable or once stable relationships.
I heard of someone having a 'foster dog' and this at the time was a novel, unfamiliar idea to me. Now I think it's great. No idea if Bob had ever kept a pet in his entire life, but keeping his 'foster dog' was probably a taste of pet ownership without a permanent committment if it didn't go well. Better the foster dog than going through the adoption process to see "Oh, gee, it's adult size is too big for my condo", or "Oh, gee, finally sold the place and can't take it with me."
Maybe getting a Commonwealth license to foster parent and accepting a preschool age or much older child is a step in the right direction for you, and if it goes well adoption of a childhood beyond babyhood could be an option. I commend single folks who adopt otherwise hard to place children...one reservist in my area adopted a little girl who has microcephaly because of fetal alcohol exposure. She wanted a more profound experience than some of her peers' looking for men and got it through caring for this little girl. I can't even think of too many straight, married couples who would take a chance on such a child. But having a baby isn't a committment that can be ditched as easily as the pigeon changing his mind about a pet.
Look people, i'm not asking for the baby to love me and i'm not just going to give up or change my mind because of such things as sickness, crying, pooping, day care issues, etc. I'm willing to face these and all other challenges that come along with having a baby. Adoption is a possibility, but still i'd like to have my own flesh and blood baby! I'll put my issues aside for my baby and if my line of thinking is messed up, then so be it! As for the partner who knocked me up, (the sperm donor), i don't give a fuck what he thinks! Did he give a fuck about me when all he wanted was sex or he cheated on me with someone else? No i don't think so! This way, we can both get what we want; he can his rocks off and i can get my child and then we can go the hell on with our lives! Men get disposed of because they act like they don't want to be around anyway so just give them what they want. I've just decided i'm going to benefit from it as well! Yes, i know a baby is a human not a pet and i'm not like most yung people! I want the baby to depend on me for everything. As for the challenges, i'll do my damndest to get through them like every other parent on this earth!
so just cause someone does wrong, it's ok for you to return that to them? I don't agree with that, but more power to you...
Good luck once doo dah decides he wants to return to the kid's life, and most likely it won't be out of interest in the kid, but to manipulate you. This is a scenario I have witnessed, including one time with a San Francisco 49er who threatened to take custody of the son he never expressed any interest in once the kid's egg donor pushed him for more money. I've got a divorced friend whose ex quit her job to avoid paying any financial support. Good luck on just one income, as most states have lifetime limits on public assistance, and some of 'em you'd have to spend your life with infants under the age of 1 in the house to get out of the work requirement. Some of 'em even require the sperm donor to be named before they'll even process your claim, so if you really don't want doo dah in your life...tough cookies, due to the taxpayers being fed up with paying for others' kids, you'll be stuck with him, at least financially. Toodles....
You're also not giving men nearly enough credit. Unless you're actually getting an anonymous sperm donation from a donor bank, there's always a chance that the male will want contact with his child later on. I know many young men who actually genuinely want to be fathers someday.
On top of that, you're not thinking far enough ahead. What happens when the kid gets old enough, goes to school and starts learning about the world? One of the first questions will be "Mommy, why don't I have a Daddy?" That kind of thing can stay with a little one for a very, very long time.
No child should grow up without a father. How will you explain to the child why his/her dad is not in their life??? Im curious, are you gonna put the fathers name on the birth certificate???A baby is hard work with or without both parents. I personally dont think it this is rite. Its all up to u. & uve been givin really good advice from others...good luck on ur decision...
It just seems like a very selfish way of thinking. Just because you can't keep a relationship going, you or going to deny a kid of having a stable family with a mother and a father? why not just wait and give yourself a chance of finding someone who is not only worth it but will also be their for your child.
A big part of a parent's job is to be left.
Yep, that's it, one of the times you do something in life where part of the aim is for the dependent to become less and less a dependent. For us parents, it's not about how we're perceived, who parents better than who, whose man sticks around, your feeling about men truth, fiction or otherwise. It's about sacrificing for the child, and then being left. That's it. And in the end, if you've fostered a relationship along the way, you will ultimately have a relationship with an adult human being, and by then parenting and other life situations will have changed you drastically in so many ways.
beautifully put leo and everyone else. Leo, when both my kids were born, as he was cutting the cord, the doctor said "this is the first step down the long road of letting go."
POT, you have no business having a child. If you expect a child to meet your needs, your head is completely in the wrong place. We have children for many reasons, but the two most detrimental are "to keep my mate near me" and "because I need them for.... you fill in the blank." Personally I had kids because it was the ultimate expression of love. I know that sounds cliched, but it is the truth. Having a nwew life which was made by the joining of my husband and I was totally awesome.
If you don'
t like men or have been hurt by a man so badly that you can't trust one in your life, please do us all a favor and get a cat or dog. We don't need another bitter person in the world, which will be the ultimate outcome of your experiment. So when little susie or sammy at age three says "mommy, why don't I have a daddy like bobby or bernadette?" are you going to say "honey, men are scum. they never stay around, and you can't trust them?" Give me a break.
PoT, you ask us in your original post what we all think. What's the point in doing this if you blindly refuse to even consider taking on board anything any of us are saying? Is this just an exercise in time wasting?
Agree with everyone here!
PoT, do you seriously listen to yourself? I mean, REALLY??
Ultimately, this is what you sound like:
All men are selfish bastards who don't give a rip about anyone else, so I'm going to mess up an innocent child's life because I WANT A BABY myself; I want to give birth, cuddle and snuggle this baby, and do what I want...
Notice the theme here... *I* want.
Get your head out of the clouds with regards to a baby, and the gutter when it comes to men, and seriously consider what you're doing.
CM
What worries me is that no matter how well these responses have been put, I don't think they'll get through to her.
This is so horrible and sad in so many ways.
indeed it is. very much so.
That's ok i don't care what u people think. Yes, asking for your addvice was a waste of time thank u anyway people! I'm having my baby, no the dick head's name is not going on the birth certificate, and as for telling my child about where his father is, i'll deal with that and i don't have to tell any of u what i'm going to say to my child! Let's be realistic here; love isn't real and neithr is a man that will actually love u or your child! But anyway, thanks for the addvice zoners appreciate it! End of discussion!
and neither is the man who fucks you raw and disgraces himself by dropping his sead in ya.
I hope, if you ever do have a child, that child grows up to see you for who you are. Selfish, insecure, heartless, and cold. I feel sorry for the guy that gets you pregnant. Let me know who he is, so I can send him a sympathy card.
Love is "a gift freely and generously given to us by God," or whoever you believe in. It's our choice how we use it.
Love is like your muscles. The more it is used the stronger it grows.
In my world, love never fails, always wins, and only disappears if you choose not to believe in and nurture it. For Heaven sake P.O.T., learn about it before you have a child.
Don't throw away the most worthwhile present you have ever received!!! True you don't see it and none of us deserve it, but it is there waiting like a flower to be opened and used regularly.
Hate and bitterness are poisons which can strangle you, blind you to the beauty in the world, and ultimately only give you misery and heartache. Pleas don't spit on the best present you were ever given.
POT get a grip and a life. Don't continue the model you were raised with.
agree with post twenty-five. My Gosh, if you're saying all men are worthless, and assuming you have aboy, that kind of attitude and your actions will tell your son he's worthless too. Do you really want to subject a child to that? good grief.
POT said:
If i'm selfish then so be it! O and by the way, if u all read my first post, i never said my child couldn't have a relationship with its father! If the father wants to be there, i'm not going to deny him that right but if not that's fine too i just don't want any type of relationship unless it's a friendship with him. He can be there for his child all he wants i don't care but if he doesn't want to be there me and my child will be just fine. If this makes me selfish o well!
P.O.T,
here's a thought. why not have a relationship before you have a child. what a concept.
MA is the last bastion of '60's hippiedom and some of the activists of that era, including feminists. I actually know women up here, baby boomer and Generation X, who are in heterosexual marriages with sons, and still ranting about men and the evil men do. ?l?! This is scary I wonder what PoT is going to teach her child should it be a boy. "Why can't I have dad in the house?" "Because men are selfish and don't stick around or act like they want to be included and I just wanted a cute widdle baby." "Am I going to just make a baby and leave when I grow up and be selfish and leave?" This is TRULY scary, it's too bad parenting doesn't first require a license.
Look, i tried to have relationships with men and all they wanted was sex or i just ended up getting cheated on, so the only type of relationship i would like to have with my baby's father is a friendship for the sake of our child; that is, if he even wanted that! O and FYI, i'm going to teach my son that he should treat women with respect and hope and pray he doesn't turn out to be like most of the men in the world thank u very much!
words are just that, words; your child will believe your actions far more, whether you believe that's true or not. to the person who said it's too bad parenting doesn't require a lisence, I couldn't agree more. I've always thought/wished that were the case.
I wonder, PoT, if you're familiar with the statistics for the incarcerated population (approximately 80% raised without fathers), or a study that showed male children suffer more in the absence of a father. Or do you just not care?
I had a single custodial parent from hell some years ago as a neighbor. I am not even going to repeat the garbage that came from his mouth towards his young son or the noise levels of that apartment. I had a daughter of my own to protect, and did not want this creep coming after either of us as retaliation if I reported him, and some judge would have just sent the kid to foster care and back to a**&^ father. Mother was a drug addict who abandonned her son to pursue more drugs.
On the one hand, I detest the idiot unwed sperm donor to this day. He really is and was a creep. On the other, I understand his frustration. Parenting the very young, who can't communicate, going through potty training when you also have to put food on the table and pay the bills, is frustrating when both parents are there. When who was supposed to share this responsibility with you...the child's other parent...defaults in favor of childish fun, you're doing both the job of the mother and father. I'd venture to say unwed parents are quite likely to become abusers once the baby isn't so cute and they see how much work goes into actual parenting.
Look i care about the statistics but i've just got to know what's wrong with just being friends with your child's father? He'll still be around he just won't live with us and he and my child can see each other as often as they like so what's wrong with that exactly?
And according to P.O.T. some of us aren't real. After all, some of us are men and do stick around / care for our offspring, I'm not sure if she considers that a positive negative cancellation or a nullset, or understands either.
And Spongebob I had no idea some of the feminist stuff was around anymore. I remember it from the 70s where yes, they had boys and still talked of all men as scum, even teachers in the schools did that but thought that went out with the fads of the 60s / 70s. As I put on another one of your boards, guess I thought wrong.
I am a single parent, and let me tell you, it's hard. Things didn't work out between me and Chloe's father, and he still is a dead beat, but I wish things were different. He sees her, but it's not the same as it would be if both parents were together. My parents split and I still have a hard time with that in some cases, even though it happened when I was a child. Chloe has difficulties with everything because she doesn't understand, so because she can't talk much yet, she gets real angry and out of hand and seeing as she is a sensative person, I have to remember to take the time to give her a little extra tlc because of the fact that she only has me.
First of all what happens if you have a boy like a previous poster stated think about what he would think, and also just because you've had bad experience with men, not all men are like that. Honestly, I believe you should have a relationship with the guy before you decide to have a baby with him. You say that you don't like guys using you for sex, isn't that exactly what you'd be doing? Also when a baby comes into the picture it's not all about you anymore and when you're considering having a baby you should put the child's well-being and needs above your own and it seems like all you care about is yourself. You should really think about things and actually take all these posts to heart before you decide to have a baby in the situation you're in.
Still noone has answered my question. What's wrong with me and my baby's father just being friends? Don't worry about it i'm not having a baby now ok?
Because it should be your first choice to give your child a complete familly. Meaning a father and mother. A broken home shouldn't be a first choice for a child
Anyway, like i said, i'm not having a baby!
Thanks for doing the world a favor hehe
Agreed...
So if you're not going to have a baby... what's with the defensiveness? If this is so hypothetical, why not be gracious in your responses to us?
Why are u guys being so defensive to me? FYI i'm not doing the world any favors and this situation is not hypothetical? These are my real feelings and u people sure do know how rip someone's feelings apart! But that's ok i'm fine! None of your posts were gracious all u peole ever said was that i was being selfish and i was this and that. I wasn't being defensive i basically stated my feelings on this whole situation. But anyway, it's not up to you'll what i do it's up to me so like i said before, thanks for the addvice and the nasty comments! They're all appreciated! I mean that from the bottom of my heart.
if by ripping someone's feelings, you mean tell you the reallity of things instead of your dreamland world of just making a baby to make one then you're welcom.
U don't know what my reality or my dream world is u don't even know me!
Your words speak vlumes, PoT
P.O.T. If you want someone's opinion, and they are honest and concerned enough to express it don't bbe surprised, by and angered that some peoples, and in this case most, folks may differ from what you might want to hear. Let's be honest here. What you wanted is patsies. For those of you in the newer generation, those are folk who agree with whatever you say even if it is totally boneheaded and ridiculous. Next time you need an opinion, do us all a favor. Get a continuous loop recorder so you can hear your words repeated agnauseum. That means over and over and over and over again and again anda again. .
oh and for the record, there is nothing wrong with being friends with the child's father. that is if you and your best bud live together and share the responsibilities. I don't care if you are married or not. If you are just palsy walsy then it will end up that mommy is for discipline and daddy is for play. then little larry or lilian will get smart and play you two off against each other. this happens often in homes where the two care givers live together, but it is even more evident if they are separated.
Oh by the way, my kids day care provider was a single mom. she had one daughter and three sons. She was from a close knit latino family and her dad and brother were very evident. These kids are all adults. Here's what happened to them. Dad is a dead beat who is strung out on drugs and not in the picture. Oldest son is in jail for assault and robbery. seccond oldest son resides in a mental health facility on and off because of chronic depression. Daughter two kids without dad and on welfare. Youngest son struggling in school.
Turricane, AMEN!
Though my parents' divorce was quite amicable all things considered, the insecurity that brings to a child is inestimable... so I refuse to comment further on this post as it will simply feed into your defiant selfish attitude.
The end.
CM
If you are asking for people's oppinion, then expect just that, there oppinion. When you are asking for advice, don't expect to always hear what you want to hear, expect to hear what the person's views are, even though you might not like it. Also, if you don't like what people have to say, don't ask! It's as simple as that. Oh, and, by the way, because of the fact that my daughter's father and I are split, she has problems coping with it, and she doesn't quite understand. So, that's something I have to live with every day and it breaks my heart to know that my baby girl doesn't have both parents, together. It's actually quite unnerving, because in the end, it's not me who hurts because of it, it's her. But I had to do what I had to do for her, even if I have to live with the fact that it wasn't how I wanted it. Having both parents in a childs life, and to have both parents be constant, is what a child needs. So, with that, I'm off to find better things to occupy my time, because I know you won't listen to anything anyone tells you.
Lol whatever dudes!
What's wrong with you and baby's father being just friends? Many companies don't allow "just friends" to be covered on health insurance as dependents. I know a couple with a baby who fits this scenario, and the little skank quit her job. Most likely the baby is covered by his father as a dependent, but baby's mommy most likely comes out of my paycheck as a Mass Health recipient, and I am getting sick and tired of paying the bills of the so called poor who stuck themselves in some of these situations. Also, "just friends" are more likely to go their separate ways and leave some of these children fatherless, as has happened in the Netherlands and Scandinavian countries. Children of paramours are more likely to go on public assistance and stay there for longer than children of divorce, and should you split up and date someone else, your child may be more likely to be abused by the new man.
LeoGuardian, hon, fly out to Boston some time. You'll be constantly asking the date and time as it'll feel as if you went through a time machine. Some of the attitudes up here are a throwback to the '60's and '70's. It'll be quite the adventure! Try also to get a hold of John Keller's book MASSACHUSETTS THE BLUEST STATE. He'll show you examples of some of the stuff in my posts.
P.O.T.
i'm sure that many won't agree with what I'm about to write and if necessary, y'all can bring on the criticisms.
First I'm a single mom by choice. My daughter is adopted. For all intents and purposes, it's just the 2 of us.
I'm a bit offended by a lot of the posts about single parents and such in this thread, but then again, those parents aren't me, so I shouldn't really care.
I have questions for you P.O.T.
How old are you? Do you have a job that will support you and a child? Do you have health insurance that will support you and a child? Do you have a group of family and friends that will support you emotionally, and occasionally to give you a short break from your child? Have you ever taken care of a child before? If not, are you willing to take parenting classes, to learn the day to day things such as changing diapers, feeding, bathing, and so on? Do you know what you are going to do with your child while you are at work? Does your work offer paid maternity leave? Does your insurance cover dental, vision, and so on? Are you completely ready to become totally unselfish and give your entire life to another person for the next 18 years? Are you ready to give up the designer purses, cute hair cuts, meals out all of the time, for a diaper bag, spit up on your shirt, possibly not being able to shower on a daily basis? Are you ready to give your all to teach a little human being all about morals and respect and to bring them up right in this world, both by words and most of all by actions? Are you willing to give up going out every weekend, to stay at home and read the same Dr. seuss books 15 times in a row? There are many many other questions, but I don't really have the energy to write them down now.
Is being a single mom easy, at times, no it definitely is not. And I couldn't do it without the wonderful support network that I have. Would I trade motherhood for anything, hell no I wouldn't.
I have a friend who was approaching 35 and childless. She was also without a man. She chose to go the route of a sperm donor from a bank. She now has twins. But she also had the means and ways to take care of her twins and the correct attitude and such to do so.
What I'm basically trying to say, is that single parent families can work and do everyday. My mom raised 3 girls on her own. None of us are millionaires or some super famous rockstar, but we aren't in jail and have never been in trouble with the law. We are all working and raising a family. We have morals and love. So single parenting doesn't always turn out bad. It's definitely not an ideal situation. But it's also not a situation to enter into lightly without being totally ready and prepared for things to happen and not go your way.
Please seriously do the research and make sure you can financially, emotionally, physically, and in every other aspect, support, love and care for a child for the next 18 years, before you make the decision to become a single parent.
honestly, by reading through this entire thread, you aren't ready, at all.
I don't object to adoption. I think it's pretty neat when single folks who have the resources and time on their hands to love a child who might otherwise be hard to place do so. And I understand some men, and for that matter, some women, get themselves thrown out of some of these relationships, so whoever's left has to do the best with what they have to work with.
My problem is with men just being treated like dicks to make the baby, but not mattering at all as far as raising him or her. What a message to send men, hey, you're just a donor and maybe a wallet, nothing more. And I think not even allowing a child to know who his or her father is, a k a "Donor number ABC123", is evil. How are grown children going to know if a man or woman they are interested in is possibly related to them? What are they going to do in the event of anemia or leukemia that doesn't respond to conventional treatment? Like it or not biological relatives are the first sought for bone marrow transplants, and what if no one on mom's side of the family matches? "Um, I don't even know who he is, much less where he is?". I knew a woman that neither parent of her son matched, but at least she didn't have to go thru the guilt of knowing her son's father couldn't be found. Unfortunately her son died after rejecting a transplant from an unrelated individual. I think this method of "parenting" only takes into account what the mom wannabe wants and not the well being of the child.
Both parents should love the baby, want to be involved in its life, and put its feelings first. PoT it sounds like you want the baby for personal satisfaction. Your posts give the impression that you care more about yourself than anybody else. The baby may suffeer because of your attitude.
Whatever dudes
OK, Pissed Off Tilly: I'm going to give it to you straight. I believe that's what you want. To answer your question POT, Nothing is wrong with being a single parent whose trying to care for a child or children that you both originally AGREED to care for together. However, something is wrong with you. I have seen SO MANY of these desperate young women who areunhappy, bitter, angry, depressed and insecure...and sadly, there are numerous such young women in the blind community. They are sjill stuck in teenage la-la land where they think they'll get massive amounts of attention over their perky pregnant titties and cute lil' belly bumps. They think it's so cute to have a baby on their hip and a stroller attafed to them so people can oooh and aahhh in public. Here's reality: You want reality? Here it is:
First of all, there's a quote from a comedian I heard not long ago and it goes something like, "For those women who think niggas ain't shit, you better see what about your pussy that keeps attractin' "ain't shit niggas." Cat Williams. Gotta love him! Ok, next on my rant:
I started wanting a baby at fifteen. I dreamed about it, pictured a cute baby in my arms, the toys s/he would have, breastfeeding, giving birth, walking hand in hand and talking to this child like they were my friend. I WANTED to be a Mother. I wanted to take care of a baby and raise it up as a responsible, caring adult that contributed to society and made me proud. I wanted a child, regardless of whether the father was involved. So what? I said. It's MY BABY! Six years later, I'm married, in college, living ON MY OWN. I was just learning about myself and my relationships and all the things being 21 and in college brought. Then I missed a period and another one. Finally I discovered I'm PREGNANT! Yes! What I've always wanted...Right?... 3 months in, I find out my mom's dying of cancer and I've got busy-bodies from WIC, Welfare, the doctors office, my school, my family, everybody asking, "How do you think you can take care of a baby when neither one of you can see? And besides, what about the issues you have with your CP?" Ok, so I'd make the best of it. Then I had my son, and I nor my husband had any clue how to care for this tiny, defenseless, demanding little baby (and if you're ever told that a newborn infant doesn't manipulate, they're smokin' crack 'cuz they do). We did not have money for toys, clothes, a car seat, a stroller, diapers...We were barely making the rent, bills and our own shit. Much less a baby's. So we got on Welfare and had to ask for baby stuff. Praise God it all came through, but even with my husband and I raising our two kids, it's hard as hell. We have issues that should've been dealt with BEFORE the kids, but they're still here to creep up and threaten this delicate balance we call "a stable two-parent home." And FYI: I STILL have people questioning our parenting and there's two of us, we have a supportive network of family and friends AND I'm up on things.
very, very well said, Brandi.
*applauds Brandy!*
Hats off to Brandy!
That definitely puts it out there. I agree, hats off. I am not a mom yet myself, and I do want children, but I am 32, have been in a stable relationship for 13+ years, and while we struggle to make the bills, we do manage it, and things are looking up in that department as well. Yeah, I wanted a baby young, but let me tell you P O T, you are not doing you or a kid any favors by not being ready, and despite what you say, your posts show you just are not ready for a kid who demands...And before you say I am not a mom...I have already stated that, but think of this, I pretty much raised my three younger siblings from the age of 10 to 19. And then after my 20th birthday, I got my 10 year old sister on my lap with no knowledge of where her mom was or any assistance from her. It is not easy, and if you are alone it is 10 times harder. I am not trying to downgrade your wishes or desires, but please, please, please, stop and think about your own future and your potential kid's future? Please, think about it, and I do not mean just respond, but if you are not stable now, emotionally; (you sound like you are well "pissed off"), financial, etc, how are you ever going to be?
Hi my name is little foot. I know that I have a lot of chalenges to go but I know for a fact that I want my child to have a father in her life. You might think that you could do everything but no that is not true. You might need some help at the begening but you are probably a child who doesn't care about nothing just your self. I willnot say anything nore because you will see for yourself that it is not easy at all. At the begening it is a horible experance because you have to wake up every 2 or 3 howers to feed your baby. I donot think that you are ready for that. It can even be hard to get of the hospital when you are a blind parent to. You could have your child taken away but you could choose that risk that is if you want. talk to you later
Look i never said it was going to be easy, but as soon as i get some financial problems together, i'm going through with this. It's not about showing off tities or bellies or whatever it's about trying to be a responsible mother and i will do whatever i can for my child and i have a great support system to help me. I'm not saying i can do everything, but i'll do everything i can. I allready have my baby's father picked out and he wants to be involved with the baby. He understands that i just want to be friends with him and he's cool with that. He just wants to be apart of his child's life! If my posts say i'm not ready for a baby, that's fine! Actions speak louder than words!
Refering to the 18th post of turricane, I so agree, and its not right to just have a kid to fill a void in your life Pist off Tilly. I don't know you please seek help for your issues before you put them off on a little young one in the future.
SunshineAndRain So well put coodoes to you. To Pist Off Tilly I want to say your aditute sucks to us men, "look sorry someone put a bag over your head and fuck you silly." then patted you on the head and said good sex!. then just walked off and never called you. This is just an example: as I am a married man, I find your thinging about us quite uneasy, to think you are going to pass this behavior to someone else is repulsive. Here! I have a challenge, ask Butterfly star who is my wife if I am a ass, someone who just fuckers for the hell of it, then never cuddles with her. Do it! see what your answer is, then check yourself!.
Pist off tilly I think you are very, very, very, selfish!
Who in their right mind would put a small baby through such selfishness!
This type of attitude makes me very angry because my husband and I could never have children and that goes for other couples who also cannot have children.
Pist off tilly, grow up and quit thinking of your self for once.
If you don't like what others say to you, quit posting such garbage.
God forgive you and your attitude.
amen!!
if she wants to be that way, let her. it isn't our life, after all.
Fighter the thing they're saying is, it isn't her life either: it's the life of the new baby that will grow up with this.
Too often the 'It's-my-life' crowd doesn't consider the impact of actions on others. It's her life if she doesn't bring anybody else, any offspring, into the picture. But the newborn did not choose this.
Tilly, I think you have some growing up to do before you're ready to take on the responsibility of caring for a child. However, I would like to say a few words of support to mothers who are single by choice. Obviously, the majority of people who have responded to this topic do not agree with this type of arrangement, and that is your right. I'd like to ask you, though, to open your mind just for a minute.
I have wanted children for as long as I can remember. However, I do not plan on being in a relationship anytime in the foreseeable future. I'm not saying that the chance of this changing by the time I start trying to have my first child is impossible, but it is very unlikely.But I refuse to let that stop me from having children.
I do not think that men are disposable. I intend to use a sperm bank. That's what they're there for, and the men that donate to them know exactly what they're doing. I will get the name of the donor if I can, in case my child needs bone marrow or something similar and in case I ever think it would be beneficial for my child to at least know the name of the donor. When my child asks me where her father is, I'll be honest with her and tell her that I didn't know anyone that could be her father but I wanted to have her so much that I went about it another way and that everyone has the power to do just about anything all on their own.
I won't be doing this for almost two years yet, as I am not in a position financially right now to have a child. In the meantime, I'm making a list of questions about being a blind, single parent to which I need to find answers. I'm also making a list of things I'll need to do before giving birth and compiling useful information. That's why I'm here on the parenting board. I want to find out everything I can now so that I'm not stressed during my pregnancies.
Being a single mom is undoubtedly difficult, but it is not impossible.
Becky
I think many of us have profound respect for single mothers, basically doing two people's jobs. In short, being a single mom is about equivalent to being a mom in a relationship where the dad contributes nothing. The stress isn't gonna be during your pregnancy so much as afterwards: Who will share duty with you during the night? Trust me, you don't want to be stuck doing all of it. I have never talked to a woman who didn't resent it if she did. Well, one I have; my cousin on Facebook isn't resentful being in this situation, but I and others think she's brave. There'll be no "Honey would you watch the little one while I go out?" You won't be able to tag-team with someone to stay home from work, using a sick day, when the little one gets sick. And they do get sick more often when in daycare. Then there's the sounding board issue: The things that push one parent's buttons don't bother the other one. If done right, the button-pushed need not resent him, the other one, but just let that one handle it. That's what a team is for.
So no, nobody's dissing single parents: quite the opposite. It's just that in any situation, a team of one equals greater than the sum of its parts.
I understand what you're saying LioGuardian; my point in saying what I did was that it doesn't matter how much people say to POT...she obviously has her mind made up and nothing will change it.
You're probably right Fighter.
i'm trying to think of best how to respond to this.
Tilly
single motherhood can be hard, tiring, and draining. 2 parents together can make a team, but either way a child will put strain on that team.
Some things to think about.
If you're currently not ready to have te child maybe it is best to wait until your finantial situation is resolved and then continue to look in to your options. You'll want to remember that the father who is making said baby with you may become emotionally attached to you, or during pregnancy or baby hood attached to the child, and want more or less to do with the child then you want. That might mean you'd end up with a custedy battle on your hands. I've lived through one and it can be difficult. Other things to think about have been mentioned, such as child care during times when you work, or healt insurance. I'm not saying you don't have a support system, but remember that the support system will be for 2, and babies/kids can be quite demanding and it's just something to be aware of and conchace of when making your final decission.
I told you'll i've allready my decission. Thanks for the addvice, but it sounds like to me, (no offense) that most not all but most of these parents are bitching about all the shit they have to do for their children. Some of these parents are two parent homes. If the father gets attached to his child, that's fine! He can do whatever he needs to do for his child i'm not going to stop him! As for getting attached to me, i'm sorry he'll just to get over that! Find another or something because i refuse to be hurt by another man again. As for the dude who wants me to ask his wife if he's a good guy? I'm not asking shit!
no i do not think that is pissed off tilly they are just surprised you would want to have a child then see you later to the father. You seem to careless about the fathers feelings. do you think they have feelings or do they not? i think we all have tried to understand where you are coming from.
We parents haven't been bitching, we're just realistic. And, FWIW, those who say they'll help with the baby may or may not after having been pooped upon for the umpteenth time, or when baby gets to be six or so.
I can't recall bitching because I have obligations to my daughter. As for hostility against single parents, it depends on why someone is parenting solo. Did they once have an agreement to parent with another person & the relationship end in death or separation? Or did they become parents for selfish reasons, like to force a marriage or financial settlement, or because they thought they were entitled to a child? I have respect for divorced & widowed parents, and for single parents who adopted, but the whole culture of "I want a baby" I find nauseating. Babies are human beings with full time needs of their own, not entitlements, and the idea of men being disposable or an anonymous drop in the bucket, not even needed as fathers or even for financial support because a single woman wants a baby, is despicable. I'm sure even folks who claim they're "not one to judge" would be appalled if their son came home and said, "I don't want to be a father, but I'm going to provide sperm anonymously to a woman", or if their daughter was single and said "I'm going to receive sperm from an anonymous donor who isn't going to be in the child's life at all". Is there any back up plan for if something happens to the single mom? I know a divorced dad who is a double amputee with arm & vertebral fractures from a motorcycle accident. I have no idea with whom the kids are going, and at least one of these moms is unfit. That's part of the purpose of parenting within the context of marriage, a backup plan if one parent dies or becomes severely disabled.
To post 71, what to me makes the difference between you and POT is that you seem to have honestly thought about your and your baby's future. POT seems to only care that her need for a child now gets satisfied. Do not get me wrong, I want children, sometimes so much that it is painful...and this has been the case since adolescence, but then I knew I was to young and simply unprepared. If you want to be a mom, and you want to be single...Ok, but take in to account differences in your situation from a two-parent home. Think about what you will do when such and such happens, think about the best way to help you and your baby adjust and for that baby to grow up emotionally healthy. Also, what if it is a boy. In my opinion if POT has a boy child he might very well grow up wondering if he is even worth anything. After all, his mother thought so little of men that they were disposable, and don't think the circumstances of a child's conception won't effect the child, it will. She treats men like they are worth nothing, and honestly, that scares me that she will birth the next woman cerial killer...Ok, maybe a bit dramatic, but it happens...And if his own mom thinks so little of his gender...
OK I realize this board has been dead for awhile, but after Kate's topic on parents and blind children, I felt I owed any teenager considering having a baby by themselves, a straightforward explanation. I owed this to Tilly but did not dare put this out here.
I'm perfectly sober doing it: it's mid-day out here and I'm on lunch break.
I began caring for my brother who had muscular dystrophy when I was thirteen. That particular disease progresses so the amount of care would increase. What did that involve?
changing his clothes, carrying him to and from the chair and the bed, turning him over several times every night, helping him if he fell over, and due to his mental faculties being limited, it did involve some supervisory stuff. I'm here to tell you, both the fundamentalists and other groups that say this are right: you're not ready for a baby as a teenager. On a good day, I could be reckless. On a bad night, after turning him over for the fourth time, I could strike him. Not an all-out beat-down, but I was quite fit, enough said. When I left to go do things, he'd ask who was going to look out for him, so I was saddled with that level of guilt. A baby doesn't ask in so many words, but yes, they give you that pleading look when you have to leave them at the Daycare.
Even when I got home late, I'd find him sitting up, slumped in his chair, waiting for me to put him to bed.
Say what one will about the upbringing, but you'll have to admit that with caregiving anyway, it was a reasonably accurate simulation of many aspects of parenting. I would know: I've been on both sides, taking care of him, and now raising a daughter.
For all your efforts, people will deny you're doing as much as you are, because face it: you're just a kid.
And foolish mistakes, which you will make because of your age, may haunt you for the remainder of your days, at least to some extent. When I was eighteen, I split, got an apartment downtown and went to college. I thought a door was shut behind me. You won't have that option, by the way. One night I had such a terrible and vivid dream that I was at my parent's place, woke up to turn my brother over for the umteenth time, and like so often happened, a wrinkle wasn't right, or a blanket needed to be straightened. In the dream, I didn't only strike him. I strangled him to death. I hold no mystical value to dreams, but when I woke, I was totally convinced it had been real, that I had in fact done this. Obviously I wasn't being rational, but at your age no matter how rational you think you are, you're not. I skulked around for half a day staying in the shadows until it hit me I had just had a dream, that was all.
After he died it ultimately got much much worse. Fortunately for other people, I didn't live with anybody but on the flip side, it was all mine to deal with.
The shrinks can't make it stop, neither can the priests or preachers or whoever once you join a faith. Not entirely. Sure the effects get minimized, but one very stressful week at work years and years later and you'll have a nightmare withvivid details you know are / were real. And unlike me, you won't have the option of simply moving out of the house: I was not the legal guardian, though in so many other ways fulfilled the role.
You won't get sleep, you'll have splitting headaches, and at your age you're trying to do school, and face it: even now being blind school has to be tough. I realize you don't have to Braille stuff out, then type it all over again with a typewriter anymore like we had to, but it's still tough for you in school not having sight. Add all the physical stuff, then add to this all the mental and emotional stuff: With a baby, when I had a baby daughter, we were helping her scoot, encouraging her to crawl, watching her progress, and, I was working / paying all the bills at the time. I was much more fit for the task at the time we had the baby, than I was when I cared for my brother.
I have said all this to be realistic: I realize I've just talked about me, but at your age, you're really not thinking about the baby, even though you think you are. You don't know whether I'm real or an invented online persona, you may say. i understand that: this is a semi-anonymous location. So read my other posts and see if you think I'm for real.
I came out and said this for your benefit, even though you may not think it is, because it is and it was very very real. And when the effects of actions you took as a teenager on an innocent life come back to hit you, it's always at a time when you least expect. I've been completely sober, completely loaded , and everywhere in between when it happens. As I said, not so much anymore but I'm also twenty-plus years older. I'm glad it's not so often anymore but when it hits, I never expected it.
As I said earlier, the fundamentalists and others are right about saying you're not old enough to care for your child. I profoundly disagree with their shaming methods: I myself am the biological outcome of a teenage fling, and the year being 1970 / a small town she, at least, was moved away so as not to shame the family. So for me to support that kind of selfish, indolent behavior done for the 'greater goodd' or whatever would be completely illogical and unethical. However, if you've not reproduced yet, don't until you're older, till you've settled down some. Even at 23, I was still pretty young to become a father, but I'll tell you now: huge huge difference between sixteen and 23. Plus, since I was 18, I'd been living on my own, managing (for better or worse) my own place / finances and the like.
Take what you will of this, but I think after reading and posting to Kate's post about parents / blind kids, I felt I owed you an explanation for real: no trite phrases here, I'm telling you about real outcomes that really did and really do happen.
Okay.. I know it's been a while since this board was written on, but after reading it all through I had to post.
Tilly, you say that you're not saying you can do everything, but that is exactly it. You'll have to do everything. You'll have to be everything to this child, especially if you want to be a single parent. If you don't think you can do everything you shouldn't have a child right now. Trust me it's hard enough not being a single parent, let alone doing it all yourself. I don't regret for a single moment having my baby, but I do admit I could have waited and been more prepared. You will find it rewarding to know you waited until you were more stabilized and had your life sorted out before bringing a new life into the world and doing everything you could to give it the best life that you can.
Wow what a loaded topic. I will say that I agree with the posts placed by the single mothers and some placed by the 2-parent home dwellers. I will also say, that it is not easy. I do not have a child of my own I have only just turned 19 years old. However, i had custody of one of my cousins children from the time he was 4 days old until we located his father at 8 and a half months. It was one of the most difficult, yet rewarding things I have ever experienced. But, I was raised in a single parent home a long with my 2 sisters and brother. I began practically raising my baby brother and sister at age 9 so I had previous experience with parenting of sorts. I do not think it is wrong of you to want to be single and have a child, I do however, find some of your thinking flawed. You are a verry angry and bitter individual. A person with such an inability to even communicate without bitterness and anger, has no place raising an innocent sweet child. I do not plan to have children soon, but if I were I think I could do it. It wouldnt be easy i know that all to well. But it is not about the age you have a child so much as your maturity, willingness to sacrifice, understanding of the situation, and experience. Also, it is not a wise decision to have a child if u cannot overlook the mistakes u have made or the bad experiences u have with men. Because u will have way more bad experiences with a child. And what if, u cant overlook those?
to becky aka Inu-Princess2006, if you are interested, there are a few blind parenting mailing lists where you can ask all the questions you'd like about being a blind parent. if interested in the information, just send me a private message with your email address that you'd like added and i'll get it done for you.